Two Elk Fight It Out in My Heart

To be or not be an ass, that is my struggle

In the mornings after long nights, I wake up with a happy, easy-going heart. It’s a relief because on those nights I seldom have the strength not to be an ass. It spikes out of me in the misapplied idea of self-preservation. Sleep becomes the food that a starving man would die for. I can see all of this clearly in the mornings, but at night I’m out for blood. I’ve struggled with what to do about this, or if something needs to be done. 

Recently, I’ve had a heaping of self-acceptance and it’s been strengthened by my stubborn and cavalier nature. Those two features are so strong in their effect that I recoil and hold the acceptance back on the fear of being egotistical. 

It’s not easy, though. The temptation to let go and allow myself to be an ass without feeling guilty is worthy of a quick-moving stream, where holding fast puts me in the grips of a mental riptide. This becomes tiring and makes this river-like debate of ‘letting go’ more enticing and the current faster. 

At the same time, I find it amusing. I see this internal tug-a-war like two elk ramming against each other to see who will have the ear to my heart. 

I find it amusing how it’s a battle of stubbornness against stubbornness. The Elk fight for influence and not being the first loser. One elk is my stubborn desire to exist unchained, to not resist my tendency to be an ass at night, to let it happen, and to live freely. 

The other is my stubborn desire to be what I deem a good person—i.e. not being an ass, despite any feelings otherwise. This moral stubbornness is hell-bent on not letting the fatigue win because the stakes of losing are my morality and faith. 

I want both equally but the vague consequences of a decision have kept me in this river where the mountains are playing tug of war with the ocean. If I looked around the river, I wouldn’t see any signs of resolution. Instead, I’d see two elk jousting on the bank.